Yes, you read that correctly. I was bitter as f*ck and rightfully so. I had experienced many sour patches and it left a bad taste in my mouth. When you've been mistreated, used and abused on any level sometimes you feel like it's you against the world. At least that's how I felt. Like the black sheep of the family, the friend that no one understood, the outcast that no one really wanted to be around. My level of trust was distorted. My self esteem was low. I didn't feel like I had anyone in my corner.
I felt like I had to go through life alone. I didn't feel like my friends or family accepted me for who I was. Hell, I didn't even know who I was. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't really know what I wanted. I was just mad as f*ck harboring anger from my adolescence, not knowing that I needed to heal from it all. Imagine dealing with something such as rape, never telling anyone. You just pick up and go on about your day as if nothing happened.
I suffered in silence and became a ticking time bomb. I had the nastiest attitude ever. I couldn't keep a job. I went from 0 to 100 quick and my words cut like a sword. I was always somewhere crying feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't even begin to think about a relationship. I didn't have any respect for men and men didn't have too much respect for me. I'm not too sure if I respected myself. The way I carried on, you wouldn't think so. I didn't really give a f*ck! I became the energy I surrounded myself with.
I was bitter AF until I hit that pivotal moment of transformation. Whew! The power of innerstanding your patterns, thoughts and behaviors is beautiful. I had to allow myself to acknowledge those brutal emotions and feel it through without judging myself. I had to realize that my feelings were valid and I had every reason to be angry. I had every reason to be bitter. I had every reason to want to be better too.
So I stopped being the victim. I started taking accountability for my own actions. I started recognizing the error in my ways. I forgave myself. I forgave those that hurt me. It was definitely not an easy or overnight process. I had to really tap into the pain and relive it. I had to embrace it. I had to feel it all over again in order to release it all in love. I had to make peace with it all and let it go. There were a few different roads I took that helped me along the way and we'll discuss those things in blogs to come.
The transition was freeing. It was a major relief and I felt a huge burden lifted. The act of simply learning to love yourself is truly amazing. You have to be willing to face the mirror tho and I cannot stress this enough.
That's all I have for you today. Remember your feelings are valid. It's okay if you're angry or bitter. Just don't stay in that place forever. Never be afraid to break a vicious cycle. You deserve to be genuinely happy.