Okay so first I want to say, I didn't grow up impoverished or in the slums. We didn't have a lot, but we made it work. I never saw my mom drinking or smoking. I knew she partied, but I didn't see too much. I don't remember seeing a lot of men in and out. I remember a couple, but it wasn't a revolving door. I pretty much grew up with my granny and mom inside the home. I have 3 siblings from my mom, 2 are special needs and 1 sibling from my dad. My dad wasn't really involved, but I did spend some time with him, my grandparents and other family members on his side of the family.
Somewhere along the lines I rebelled and became an angry, unhappy little girl. Growing up I had a lot of resentment and regrets. I didn't have a lot of friends. I was randomly bullied from elementary school until about the end of my 9th grade year when I started standing up for myself. I didn't have a very nurturing, loving relationship with my mom. Our lack of communication, the harsh discipline, and lack of affection made me feel unloved. This opened the doors for me to seek love in other places. Places that were no good for me. Places that would eventually lead me to where I am today.
It was rough. I experienced a great deal at an incredibly young age. I blamed everyone and everything for my actions. I was mad at the world and wore my pain like a badge of honor. I projected all my insecurities and low self-esteem onto to anyone and everyone that crossed my path. My attitude was piss poor and I felt like everyone owed me something. I was such a victim to my own circumstances.
This was until I chose to do something about it. I never grew up religious or spiritual. At 18 I chose to start going to church. Well, it's a little more to it than that. There were many people that tried to assist me while I was in the streets wilding out. One of those people was my auntie. I went to stay with her in North Carolina for a week to watch my cousin while she reported to duty in the army. I had the option to stay, while she helped me get on the right path, but I chose to come back home instead.
When I got home, I noticed my granny wasn't in her room. I asked my mom where she was and she told me my granny had a stroke and was in the hospital. My granny was the closest thing to me, so that was the turning point that led me to church. I got baptized and tried to live life as this "virtuous woman." Sex on Saturday and sanctified on Sunday. Clearly church didn't work for me. It just wasn't my thing. I'll never knock it because that's where I got my start at exploring a Higher Power, but I wasn't fulfilled there. I didn't learn how to love myself or forgive myself there. I didn't learn how to let go there. I didn't fellowship with anyone. I never connected with anyone. I tried for years, but it became another place where I felt like I didn't fit in or belong.
It wasn't just church; I've talked to professionals at 14/15 years old. Those didn't work out either. Finally, at 31 I said I was going to take a break from everything and everyone so I can figure out who the f*ck I was. I was dying inside to be happy. All I wanted was to just be happy. I went to see a friend of mine that was certified in other forms of healing such as hypnotherapy and reiki. This opened my eyes to a whole new way of being. This is where all the healing began. This is where my brick wall started to crumble, and the doors of vulnerability were opened. This is where I began to see myself. This is where I began to feel love. This is where I learned I was love.
Whew! We have a lot of ground to cover. Trust me, it's going to get deeper. I just want people to understand I have felt the pain, the agony, the turmoil and this is my calling. It is my soul path to assist others as I continue to heal, develop and grow on this journey. This has been spoken into me by random people (Angels) long before I started this healing process. In fact, many times when I was in the streets. True story. I didn't quite understand it at those times. However, the mission has been accepted and fully embraced now. So we gone heal, learn and grow together unapologetically.
That's all I have for today!! Remember you are a perfect manifestation of divine love. Have a wonderful week.